|
Dating
Articles
> "The
Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship"
"The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship"
- by Margaret
Paul, Ph.D.
 Celine
was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She
was feeling anxious because she didn't want to go through another
unhappy relationship, but she didn't trust herself to make good
choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising
relationship from one that is bound to fail.
In Celine's
last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary's ardent pursuit
of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn't listen to herself.
Instead, she gave herself up to Gary's attention and compliments.
"Celine,
my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they
are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?"
"Yes.
He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were
in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time
and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when
I didn't give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this
at the beginning? What should I look for now that I'm dating again?"
Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this
first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a
lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.
"Shades
of Gary," she said. "This is a red flag, right?"
Celine and
I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs
of a promising relationship.
SOME RED FLAGS
- Comes
on strong at the beginning of the relationship.
- Becomes
angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.
- Becomes
logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience.
Tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings
or your position.
- Talks
on and on about himself or herself and doesn't ask you much
about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.
- An
older man or woman who has never been married and has been in
a series of broken relationships.
- Numerous
broken marriages.
-
Has an abusive background and has not had therapy.
- Has
abandoned his or her children.
- Not
open to learning from relationship conflict.
- Participates
in addictions that are unacceptable to you -- smoking, drinking,
drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, computer/video games,
and so on.
- Financially
irresponsible.
- Not
truthful.
- Has
few friends.
-
Judgmental of self and others. Talks about self and others in
disparaging ways.
- Is
possessive and jealous. Gets upset when you do your own thing.
- Totally
different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality.
- Few
interests and hobbies.
Celine and
I discussed the fact that you get what you see.
"It's
not that people can't change," I told her, "but you
can't change them. If he is not okay with you the way he is right
now, then don't pursue the relationship. If you are an on-time
person and he's always late, don't expect this to change. If it's
not okay, then don't pursue the relationship. Same thing with
weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal.
These issues can become huge problems in relationships because
people expect them to change and get very upset when they don't."
SOME SIGNS
OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP
- Shows
respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different
from his or her feelings and needs.
- Is
able to be empathic and compassionate.
- Is
interested in what you have to say and in learning about you.
- Is
accepting of self and others -- non-judgmental.
- Is
open to exploring conflict and differences of opinion.
- Does
what he or she says he or she will do.
- Cares
about being responsible for children from a broken marriage
-- has not abandoned his or her children.
- Takes
responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well
bring. Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings.
- Is
financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of
him or her financially.
- If
divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties.
- A
person who was in a loving relationship and lost their mate
to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally
know how to have loving relationships.
- Has
friends that you like.
- Talks
about others in caring and supportive ways.
- Has
interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her.
- Similar
religious or spiritual path to yours.
- Is
supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your
joy and pain for your pain.
- Can
laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of humor.
-
Has balance between work and play. Knows how to work hard and
how to have fun.
Before you
can find the "right" person, you need to become the
right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the
descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step
in finding a loving relationship.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author
of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She
is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process.
Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her Web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or email margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone Sessions Available.
|
