"Why Online Dating Can Be a Better Idea"

Many of us are taking advantage of the opportunities Internet dating provides these days to find viable partners. There are several reasons why that's a good idea.

First of all, it's a quick way to look when there are time constraints. We're marrying later. College offers lots of singles to choose from, and lots of time to do it. Once that opportunity is past, we're locked into the busy lifestyle of working adults.

With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, individuals of all ages are looking, so many will also have children to care for, and/or aging parents.

Secondly, there are no location constraints. If you live in a remote location, or in a city where there's a lack of available singles your age of the opposite sex, Internet dating can extend your reach.

You can also find yourself in a location where your "data" doesn't fit in well, or where there are no people with the attributes you're seeking. My client, Mary, for instance, lives in a large city in Texas where only 1% of the women have post-graduate education. She's found that her Ph.D. is so novel, it's intimidating, and she's often eliminated out of the starting gate. Searching on the Internet, she's found men less reactive to her post-graduate degree.

Thirdly, it gives you a chance to get to know the person before you take the time and expense to meet.

So what's the downside? The greatest concern is that with the anonymity of the Internet, the person you're communicating with will be misrepresenting themselves. They may be married, or they may be single but presenting themselves as another identity.

There are no guarantees on the Internet, or anywhere else, and someone who's insecure enough to masquerade as a 6'1", rich, athletic, good-looking 36 year old single male who's actually a 5'6" balding middle-aged married man in dire financial straits will go to any length to do it, but at least you will have only wasted some impersonal time corresponding before you find out. A person may misrepresent themselves on the initial profile, but once you get into correspondence with them, which is generally how it's done and highly recommended, you'll have a chance to find out more.

For instance, on one dating site you start out by asking and answering a good set of formulated questions, such as "How do you feel about traditional gender roles?" or "How much time alone do you need?" There is an option called "fast forward," where you switch immediately to email correspondence with anonymity, and later where you can share your personal email address. I don't recommend the "fast forward' at any stage of dating, and certainly not at the beginning!

Interchanges by email allow you an opportunity to find out more, and they permit time for the other person to "spill." If someone has a pressing "issue," it's likely to come out. You know how when you've just met someone in person, at work for instance, and they have a crisis going on, they can usually only talk about "the weather" for a minute or two before they blurt out "I'm going through a divorce"?

Giving it time means you're more likely to find out things you need to know, and save yourself some grief.

My client Alicia said the guy she was considering dating and corresponding with seemed to have something bothering him. Eventually he "confessed" that he was bald. Since this made no difference to Alicia, she was able to reassure him, but what if it had been "I'm still living with my wife but I plan to divorce her"? Either way, take time and allow space for vital information to come out.

So what about the "lesser" lies, the ones we might call stretches of the imagination, "little white lies," or exaggerations? The ones people say from anxiety or lack of self-esteem, like subtracting 30 lbs. from your weight, adding a few inches to your height, a few digits to your income, or a degree to your academic credentials?

Internet dating might be better at ferreting these out, according to a new study from Cornell University on lying. According to the study, we lie most easily on the telephone then face-to-face, then on instant messenger, and least frequently by email. If you take the time to go through the email stage, it's a good idea.

It's easiest to lie on the phone because the person can't see us (for telltale signs like eye contact), and also because there's no permanent record of what's being said. Although we can't be seen via email, we are putting it in writing. Also, why would everyone recommend "journaling" as an adventure in self-discovery, if writing didn't lend itself to self-disclosure? For whatever reason, when we write, we tend to bare our souls, and when writing to another, we're also aware that it's going to be accessible to the person for a long time. If you say you "don't like chocolate," there it is, to be referenced back to later. There's an old proverb, "don't put anything in black and white you wouldn't want the whole wide world to see," and it might be added...forever.

How often do people lie? Again, setting aside the sociopath or pathological liar, the study reports people lie about 26% of the time, with the email rate running around 14%.

Enjoy your Internet dating, observing the same caution you would in any unknown life situation. Good luck!

©Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc. Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," and other ebooks. She coaches on midlife dating and other important life issues, specializing in emotional intelligence. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.